Today I failed at the verse of the day. In my defense, I didn’t log onto my bible app until this evening, so that put me at an unfair disadvantage. By that point I’d already epically screwed up.
Let me stop for a second to make sure we’re all on the same page. Do you know what the bible app is? It’s exactly like it sounds. It’s an app on your phone where you can read the bible. I’ve pasted a picture below. Also, yes, that is my husband’s shirt. The one that he’s wearing in almost every picture I have of him. Must be his favorite.
Anyway, whenever I log onto my bible app the first thing I see is the verse of the day. I’m a little embarrassed to admit that some days that’s the only verse I read. Most days I at least read through one of my daily plans. But not today.
This morning I woke up knowing it would probably be safer for everyone if I just crawled back into bed. You have those too, right? Please tell me I’m not alone. From the minute my feet hit the floor, I felt off. Not sick exactly, but also not totally healthy. Not exhausted, but definitely not wide awake. Not angry really, but not super happy. I thought for sure I was nearing that time of the month, but unfortunately I’ve been slacking on my monthly tracker (yes, another app). According to it, I’m months late and probably going into labor any minute. (Ha ha. No thank you.)
But I also felt something awful. Something I hate more than anything in the world. I felt vulnerable. And the truth is I’ve felt like that a lot lately.
Some days it’s seems so much easier to stay home. To keep to myself. To not have to leave the house or get off my couch if I don’t want to. When I’m home I can protect myself. I’m safe. I’m in control.
I LOVE people. Talking with them. Laughing with them. Being with them. Loving on them.
Nothing makes me happier than making someone smile…or laugh…or feel loved and accepted.
I feed off the energy of others. Large groups of people are my jam. Eddie Murphy totally wrote that song about me. This girl does like to party all the time, party all the time, partay all the ti-ime.
But as much as I’m a people-lover, I’m not a people-truster. I’m not good at being vulnerable.
As my reader, you’re probably shocked. I open up to you all the time – on this blog, in my books, in my fan club, on my facebook page, on my instafeed. But that’s not true vulnerability. Not the kind where you bleed out. Where you show someone what’s truly inside – the wonderful and the “oh, dear god, that is so not wonderful.”
I get to choose what I share with you on here. I can measure my words.
I can be in control.
Out there in the real world things can get messy. I’m not always in control.
And that means, I can get hurt.
It also means that I don’t always measure my words. I’m not always poised and grace-filled and joyous and loving. (I know you’re totally shocked right now, huh?)
Today’s verse of the day was Galatians 5:22-23
And I failed at it.
I didn’t live up to this verse today. I was impatient and short-fused. I was over-sensitive and frustrated.
But, guess what, I’m not perfect. I’m messy and broken, and sometimes insensitive and mean. I wish I weren’t like that. Sometimes my feelings get hurt and I lash out without taking the time to think; to pause; to hear the other person out.
I wish I could be as thoughtful and poised in real life as I am on this blog. If only my words always came out measured, and full of grace. If only I always responded in love and truth.
When I first opened my bible app today, I felt like God was pointing his finger at me. I felt shame. I felt guilt.
And then I said, “oh, no – not today, Satan,” and I opened this laptop. I’m processing my feelings as I’m writing, so thanks for coming along for the ride.
God is teaching me a lot about identity this year. I think that may be why I’m feeling so vulnerable and exposed. It’s all part of the process. And I won’t let this setback get me down. I will keep moving forward. I will keep loving and allowing others to love me. I will continue to force myself to be open and vulnerable even when it’s scary. And I will continue to be transformed by the renewing of my mind.
And guess what? Tomorrow is a new day.
And that means a totally different verse. So maybe I’ll win at that one. 😉