The struggle is real – getting back into it

We’ve all been there. We go on vacation and then come home to reality and it’s just tough. Tough to find our routine again. Tough to get back to the daily grind. Tough to stop longing for the lazy days of vacation and focus on reality.

That’s where I find myself today.

Normally I look forward to my kids returning to school, but that wasn’t the case this year. And there are many reasons for this. One is that they are older now. My son is 16, and my daughter is 13. It really hit me this summer that I don’t have a lot of time left with them. In fact, next summer I’m fairly certain I’ll hardly see my son. I can already feel him slipping away… drifting toward adulthood. And I’m not certain I’m ready to let go. Two is that my health is still precarious, and having an empty house is often my worst enemy. Silence breeds anxious thoughts. Being alone is the perfect environment for my imagination to run rampant. And if it’s running with a story line that’s great, but if it’s running with fear and worry about my health, then it’s not as great.

So it’s no surprise that I was dreading the first day of school this year. I dropped my kids off last Tuesday and then came home feeling a little down. To my credit, I kept my chin up and immediately started work on my new series. And the truth is that it’s exciting. I am really looking forward to this new series. And as I started writing, I found myself falling quickly for the characters.

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But there were also setbacks. I suffered a flare up the last week of summer, and last week I was put on new meds. Apparently my body didn’t like the new meds that much because I had an allergic reaction to them, and had to stop taking them. And I found myself longing for summer. Longing to go back to days of hanging with my kids instead of sitting at home in an empty house while not feeling well.

But time moves forward, and I have to find my way back to a healthy routine. Today has started out rough. I thought I would get a lot of writing done, but my characters are pretty tight-lipped. However, I know they’ll start chattering at some point. Most likely it will happen tonight when I’m trying to sleep, so I’ll do my best to coax them out before that.

I’ll keep chugging along. I’ll keep surrendering to God, and trusting Him for healing. And I’ll keep cherishing every moment I have with my kids. I have no doubt that before I know it, this book will be written, my body will cooperate and I will find my routine.

Until that happens I appreciate your prayers, and kind words. I love knowing that you, my sweet readers, are pulling for me. I am doing my best to deliver your next book boyfriend to you soon.

FOR THE SAVE releases!

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Addison West is broken.

Last year tragedy struck her family, destroying everything she loved. Now she’s trying desperately to pick up the pieces after her brother’s suicide, hiding her wounds behind piercings and a tough, aloof exterior. But she knows she’s fighting a losing battle.

Sawyer Ridley is lost.

After witnessing his teammate’s murder, he’s plagued by nightmares and panic attacks. With the nickname Riddles, Sawyer was always one for a joke, but he can’t find anything to laugh about anymore. He’s devastated, and not even football offers him comfort or solace.

On the outside, Addison and Sawyer have nothing in common. But when they meet in group counseling, their shared grief immediately bonds them. As their relationship grows, the walls they’ve built around themselves begin to come down.

But just as old wounds begin to heal, new, more painful ones emerge.

Can Addison and Sawyer save each other from the grief that threatens to destroy them both?

Click HERE to purchase today!

We never go out of style

I’ve never considered myself a stylish person. Historically when I shop for clothes, I am looking for two things – price and size. As long as the clothes fit and are within my price range, it’s a match made in shopping heaven. There was a time when clothes shopping was a fun experience. A time when I thought about what look I was going for. But that was before I became an adult.

I got married and had kids at a very young age. Andrew and I had low paying jobs, and fashionable clothes were never on the top of my priority list. Clearance racks and hand-me-downs from friends were lifesavers. Clothes were a necessity, not an extension of who I was. Not a way to show off my individuality.

But then I had my daughter, and she was born a fashionista. As a small child, she picked her outfits out with care. She had pizzazz. She had flavor. And when she got older, she wasn’t happy to shop at Target and Ross. She wanted me to take her to places like Hollister and Tilly’s. Shops I’d never set foot in. At first I didn’t know what to make of it. I felt like a fish out of water; like an old lady hanging out with a bunch of hipsters. Then I’d scurry off to hit up a department store that was more my speed.

But my daughter began challenging that thinking. She started pointing out clothes in her stores that she thought would look good on me. At first, I scoffed, telling her I was too old, too overweight or too frumpy to wear that. But I wondered what kind of message that was sending her.  So, eventually I started trying things on. And guess what? I found that I wasn’t too old or too frumpy for those clothes. Some of them even looked good on me. And for the first time in my life, I could afford to buy the clothes I wanted – not just the ones on the clearance rack.

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Ever since I was a kid, my weight has been a struggle for me. However, a few years ago I got sick, and I always say that one of the silver linings in my journey is that it’s forced me to lose quite a bit of weight. So that was another surprise – that the clothes fit me.

I started buying a top here, a skirt there. And pretty soon, I had a new wardrobe. Not only that but now when I enter a store I know exactly what kind of clothes I like, and what looks good on me. Surprise, surprise, I have a style. A look that is mine. A look that showcases me.

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Sometimes when my daughter and I are shopping together, she’ll point out a shirt or dress and say, “Mom, that looks like you.” And she’s right. It’s odd that it took me 37 years to find my style.

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But it makes sense too. Because style has a lot of factors. I think part of having a style is knowing yourself, and feeling good in your own skin. For the first time in my life I really feel confident in how I look. Not only that but I’m comfortable with me. I know me, and I like me. It’s freeing and liberating….and beautiful.

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Being a confident mom is important. It teaches my daughter confidence and individuality. It gives her an example of how to love herself and feel good about herself at any age.

astyle5After all, it is because of her that I discovered my fashion sense. She’s the one who guided me on this journey. Who made me feel like I could be more than just a mom.

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And that’s why we worked on this post together. My daughter took all the pictures, including choosing my poses. She is not a professional photographer and I’m no model, but we had fun doing this.

astyle7But before you go thinking I dress like this every day, we thought it was only fair to take a picture of me in my “usual work outfit.”

astyle12Because let’s face it, my characters could care less about my new-found style.

I’m Monica. Wait, what?

I’m a huge fan of the show Friends. It’s a show that never gets old to me. I’ve seen every episode multiple times and yet if I’m flipping through the channels and come across it, I almost always stop and watch. Sometimes I even find myself wishing I could be in the show. I mean, who doesn’t want 5 friends who will have your back no matter what? Plus they have so much fun together. But if I’m being entirely honest, I do like some of the friends more than others.

Like, for instance, Monica is probably my least favorite of the friends. All you Monica fans out there, please hold back on throwing tomatoes until you hear me out. For some reason, Monica has always kind of gotten on my nerves. And the other day I finally figured out why.

It’s because I’m Monica.

Okay, okay, not totally. First, we look nothing alike. Second, I’m not a clean freak like her. But we do have one huge thing in common. We are both people pleasers to a fault.

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I’ve struggled with this desire to please people my entire life. I hate when people don’t like me. And because of this, I’ve sometimes felt like a chameleon – changing to fit my environment. Often, I’ve been afraid to speak my mind, have my own opinion.

I think it started because I was raised in a divorced family. At an early age, I learned that talking bad about the other parent earned me brownie points, not scolding. As I got older I would even feel guilty for thinking good thoughts about one parent while at the other parents’ house. I learned to keep these thoughts to myself and only share the negative ones.

This behavior followed me into other areas of my life. I would stretch and bend, even break, to fit in. And somewhere along the way I lost myself.

It wasn’t until I reached adulthood that I finally started to discover who I was. It was when I had a revelation of how Christ saw me. I saw that he had designed me and created in a unique and special way. And I realized that I had total freedom in Him to be who I was. Not who I thought others needed me to be.

The person He used to teach me this was my husband.

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From the beginning of our relationship, Andrew seemed to like me for me. And slowly, my true self begin to emerge more and more. I would carefully share my opinions. The ones I never would’ve dared to utter to anyone else. And he didn’t judge me for it. Pretty soon, I found a freedom I’d never experienced before. I had finally found someone I could be myself  with – faults, craziness and all.

And it was okay.

Eventually that began to bleed into other areas of my life. The more I learned it was okay to be myself, the more I continued to do it. I started to discover who I really was and I liked her, even when other people didn’t. It’s been a journey for me. One that has oftentimes been painful. And I still find myself reverting back to my people pleaser ways at times. There are certain people in my life that can bring it out easier than others. And in new social situations I find it harder to reign it in as well. But I’m growing and maturing. And isn’t that all any of us can do?

However, this issue of pleasing people is one I think about a lot while writing. In so many romances I read, girls are finding their self-worth in relationships and dating. I know I said that Andrew helped me find myself, but let me make one thing very clear. I didn’t find my self-worth in the fact that he wanted to be with me. He just allowed me to be who I was and thrive on my own. I don’t need him to “complete me.” He enhances my life – but he isn’t my life. I choose to be with him – I don’t have to be with him. Do you see the difference?

In my books, I hope this is portrayed. I want the couples to compliment one another. To help each other grow and change. But I never want the relationships to be needy or desperate, co-dependent. That’s not true love.

In all of us there is a desire to be liked, to be accepted. But I truly believe that in order for people to like and accept you, you have to learn to like and accept yourself. I know that’s easier said than done. Trust me.

But I believe in you.

You are special. You are unique. You have something amazing to offer this world.

And you don’t have to prove it to anyone. You have a creator who already knows it, and He loves you unconditionally.

When fiction is dangerous

When I first started writing teen romances my kids were much younger. My son was just entering middle school and my daughter was in elementary school. They still played outside, got dirty and skinned their knees. They weren’t interested in the opposite sex, they hadn’t gone through puberty, hadn’t developed at all. It was easy to separate them from my characters.

Now my daughter is thirteen, and so gorgeous it scares me. But scarier than that is the fact that my son is almost sixteen. That’s the same age as some of my characters. And my characters are dating, kissing, and falling in love. I don’t want to picture my son doing any of those things. And I definitely don’t want to picture a boy doing those things with my daughter (although I don’t feel as strongly about this as my husband does, trust me). I’m not saying that I’m naive enough to think that my kids aren’t or won’t do these things. I just don’t want to encourage it.

As my kids get older it’s harder to separate them from my characters. I’ve always taken my responsibility as an author seriously. But I take it even more seriously now. When I write a scene I think: Do I want my kids to read this? Or: Do I want my kids doing this? Don’t get me wrong. My books aren’t filled with perfect characters who do nothing wrong. That would be boring. But I do always think about the message my books are sending.

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Since I write teen romances, I also read teen romances. Lately I’ve read numerous books with an alarming trend. In the past two weeks I’ve read three books about good girls who fall in love with gang members. Now, I love the bad boy/good girl type of romance as much as the next person. Who doesn’t love reading about the tortured boy who needs saving and the girl who saves him? And these books were great. I read them swiftly, some even in as little as a day. They were filled with swoony romance and heart thumping action. But I’m an adult. A married woman. A woman who isn’t looking to fall in love. I’ve already done that. I’m just looking for a great story to get sucked into. I know these books aren’t real. They’re written by an author like me. They’re made up. I get that.

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But I can’t help but worry about the impressionable teenage girl reading these books who is looking to fall in love. Because, let me tell you, falling in love with the bad boy who deals drugs isn’t going to end well for anyone in real life. It may play out well in a novel, but in real life it’s going to destroy you.

In all three of these books the characters snuck around behind their parents’ back and even went against their better judgment and the advice of close friends. And in two of the books the characters had sex. To make matters worse, the sex happened before the guy even admitted he cared for the girl. In both books the girl practically threw herself at the guy in an effort to make him like her.

And it’s fiction. I understand that.

However, what kind of message are these books sending? In all of these books the boys were redeemable. They had big hearts underneath that tough exterior. And by the end of the book they had given up their criminal ways. It was beautiful, and made me feel all tingly inside. But I’m not innocent enough to think it would ever happen like this in real life. In my experience if a guy is a jerk, he doesn’t suddenly become the sweetest guy ever in the span of 300 pages. That’s the beauty of fiction.

But is it also the danger of it?

I’m certainly not trying to deter you from reading these books. I’m just trying to get you to think. I’m only making a point: Girls, you are precious. You were made in the image of God. You deserve kindness and respect. Fall for a boy who treats you well from the very beginning. Don’t hold out hope that you can change him, because chances are you can’t. Life is not a romance novel.

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But you can find love. You just have to find the right guy.

And I know you will find him. Hand picked by a God who knows you inside and out.

When it’s time for a change

I know some people hate change. They’ll hold on to the way things are whether it’s working or not. I’m not like that. In fact, it’s safe to say that I like change. I embrace it even. Sometimes it’s in small ways like a change in my hairstyle or makeup. Other times it’s larger changes like when I quit my job to write full-time.

A change that I’ve known I needed to make for awhile pertains to my writing. About a year ago I met two characters -Jade and Kyler – and I fell completely in love. You’ve probably heard me say it before, but writing BREAK FREE has been my favorite experience writing a book ever. This book haunted my dreams, pulsed through my veins, swam in my mind, consumed my thoughts. I lived, ate and breathed this book throughout the entire writing process. I never had that experience prior to writing BREAK FREE and I haven’t had it since. This book is still my favorite. The problem is that it’s different than my others. It’s darker, it’s more suspenseful, the writing style is more lyrical. And so it hasn’t sold great. I think part of the problem has been the cover. While I loved the original cover, it looked more like a contemporary romance, whereas I wanted the cover to look more like a romantic suspense. So I finally decided to have BREAK FREE and BREAK THROUGH redone.

Now that I’ve seen the new covers I know I made the right choice. Matt from the Cover Lure did an amazing job. The covers are perfect!

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The new covers are currently available in kindle only but the paperbacks should be ready by next week.

BREAK FREE

BREAK THROUGH